Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
