The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
