I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
