Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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