just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
