No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My liver just broke up with me...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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