Tell her she can't have a vagina
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
