He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
