Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
