she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
