A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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