Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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