i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
COCAINE IS GR8
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
