Tell her she can't have a vagina
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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