Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
