I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
