its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
