I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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