he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize