You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
sarcasm needs its own font
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
