break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
