if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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