Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Randomize