I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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