Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
