Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
