Buhtt sex?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
