This is not my ceiling
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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