when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
