one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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