Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
