What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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