Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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