True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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