This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
