After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
