I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
