Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
