the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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