Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
