Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
