i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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