he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize