plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
