I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
