In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
