My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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