needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
