I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
