I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
