I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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