Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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