How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
