I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
