she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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