I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
