the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was like eating out sand paper
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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